Children thrive with honesty
Even if they are younger and you think they may not be aware of what is happening, they are always listening to adult conversations and they pick up our own feelings of irritability, anxiety, and fear. If we discuss the issue directly and honestly, in an age appropriate way, we can reduce their fear and help them process their feelings about all the changes, which will increase a sense of wellbeing in the home.
Let your child lead
Many times children’s concerns are more specific and limited to what is needed depending on their age. Therefore it is important that we listen to where they are coming from and primarily just answer their questions. We do not need to give them a lot of details if they are not asking for them because we can inadvertently increase their fears or confusion. Rather than sharing a lot of information, you can check in with them gently, by asking questions like:
What were you thinking when you heard about the virus? Or when things started to change (be specific for youngers, i.e. “When mommy started staying home”)?
What have you been feeling while all these changes are happening?
What questions do you have about the virus? The changes?
And reassuring: “Anytime you have worries or questions, just let me know. I’m here to help you understand what’s going on and feel safe.”
Children know what they can handle in each moment. What is most important is that you have established a line of communication. They will continue to ask what they need to know, as time goes on.
Keep Information Simple and Accurate
In general, children do best with brief, simple information that is guided by their own questions.
When they ask about the virus, we can say something like, “The coronavirus is a germ that can make people sick with a cold or flu (describe these if needed). Most people, especially children will get the virus and not have a problem, just like we all get the cold/flu sometimes.”
“Since it’s a new germ, we are still learning about it, and we are trying to find ways to make sure that too many people don’t get sick at one time. We want everyone to be healthy and strong. So we are staying home to rest and give each other space. This helps the doctors and nurses make sure they are able to help anyone who needs help.
When they ask what happens if they get sick, we can say something like, “Many who get COVID-19 won’t know they have it or they’ll just think they have a cold or flu. They might have a sore throat, cough or fever. But a small number of people can get very sick. Usually these are people who are much older or are already sick and their bodies have a hard time fighting the virus. Children who are young and healthy usually just feel bad for a few days and get back to normal quickly.”
What is most important is to listen to what is really being asked by your child and respond to that.
Consider your child’s age and differing needs
Older children will likely ask more questions and need more specific information. They will be more in tune with rumors going around from conversations with friends or that they overhear from adults. It is best to answer directly and honestly, which includes saying, “I don’t know. Let me find out.” Or depending on age, “Let’s look that up together.” Also, in this situation, “there are some things we still don’t know.”
Teens have a natural need to find more of the information out on their own. You can answer their questions, but they will likely want to see and hear for themselves. They may also feel frustrated at the social limitations and resist hearing the information from their parents. Pointing them to trusted resources, and letting them get informed by the larger community (teens need elders) can be useful.
Overall, letting your child lead the discussion and providing them with clear, honest information gives them a sense of control.
Listen and reassure to calm anxiety or fear
If your child expresses fear or anxiety just listen with an open heart focused on being a safe space for your child. We do not have to fix it. Most of the time if we listen with presence, just speaking their fears can relieve your child’s anxiety.
However, if they are very anxious or fearful, we can reassure them that we are doing all that we can to protect them and keep them safe. Offering a hug and saying something like, “Feeling scared or worried is normal, and I want you to know that I am here for you no matter what. I’m learning all the things we can do to stay safe, like eating healthy, resting, and washing hands. And many doctors and scientists are learning all they can to protect us and keep everyone safe.”
It is not just about what we say, it is more about what we are feeling and therefore communicating to our child. If we are anxious or fearful, they will feel this. So we may need to take a moment to reassure ourselves (focusing on what we are doing/what we can control) or offload our own feelings by talking to a friend beforehand to ensure that we can really be supportive. Every day in this ever changing situation, we need time to just feel and release the existential feelings of fear, helplessness, loneliness that this experience is bringing up for us. I always tell moms that our cars and showers are great places to have that good cry and reconnect to your inner wisdom and spiritual connection to support you (practicing InnerBonding).
It’s also okay and helpful to let your child know you’re worried too, as long as you make it clear that you are the adult and will take care of whatever needs to be taken care of. “I’m feeling a little worried too but I know it’s best to focus on what we can do, so I’m focusing on how we can stay healthy by taking really good care of ourselves.” This helps our connection to feel authentic and helps your child feel safe to be honest with you.
Listen and validate their disappointment at the changes
Depending on their age and their social needs, children may be feeling very disappointed at the loss of their school and friend time or activities. Again, just listening and validating this disappointment without trying to fix it, is helpful.
Validating children usually works best when we gently repeat back a version of what they are saying to let them know we hear them. Keeping it simple and from the heart, you can say something like, “Yes, it’s such a bummer that you can’t see the friends you have so much fun with (or take the class, or be in the play, etc.). I know how much you enjoy it” Or, a simple, “This is a really big disappointment.”
Try not to jump to solutions or dismiss their feelings. Just slow down, listen with compassion and allow a moment for expression of sadness, grief, or quiet contemplation as every child expresses their own way.
Bring balance to the conversation
Once you have held space for your child’s feelings AND you feel they are ready, you can bring balance and help children come out of this discussion by helping them remember what is going right during this time. For older children/teens, you may need to walk away after holding space for the hard feelings to give them a time to shift on their own. If they are not ready for this shift, they’ll just resist solutions. You can even say something like, “I have some ideas of what may help, would you like to hear them?” Or “let me know when you’d like to hear them.”
When you feel they are ready, you can talk about how focusing on gratitude in any hard situation helps us to manage and is a superpower or ‘powerful life skill’ (depending on their age :) Research resoundingly shows that focusing on what we are grateful for helps to boost mental health and calm fear/anxiety. Together, brainstorm some things you are grateful for in that moment.
You can bring in the bigger picture and reflect on activities that would feel good. “We all have a chance to focus on what really matters right now: our safety, our health, our family. We have a chance to slow down and do fun things together. We can cook and eat healthy. We can spend time playing and making art. We can get outside, dance, etc. What would feel really good to you?”
If you work from home, you can emphasize independent activities and free time they will have and the ways you will reconnect during breaks.
For a social child, this will also include ways to maintain connection with friends and family, for example video chatting with friends and family.
You can ask them what their ideas are for staying healthy are, and encourage them to contribute to this effort. Our children are far more connected to what is truly nourishing and they can guide us toward reconnecting to what is essential.
You can also discuss as a family, what nourishing activities they would like to engage in during this special time together.
Focus on what we can do
Children, like us, feel empowered and reassured when we give them specific things they can do.
Review the handwashing and hygiene tips in a playful manner focusing on how they keep us safe. Have them help you put reminder signs up about hygiene around the house or on the front door (i.e wash hands, spray doorknob).
Have children help you make nourishing soups and meals, and discuss with them the important roles that vitamins play in keeping them strong.
Include them in creating a daily family rhythm or schedule that integrates immune boosting, self care practices, i.e. outdoors, naps, early bedtime, healthy snacks.
Focus on gratitude at mealtimes by taking turns sharing something you are grateful for.
Limit social media and news that increases fear without offering real, practical solution oriented steps.
Support Ongoing Open Hearted Communication
Often parents worry that if they talk about an issue it will increase a child’s fear or anxiety. It’s important to remember that children always know what is going on. This is the same with grief and loss. They listen to everything they hear and make their own connections which can be confusing. It is best to take time to sit heart to heart, and hold safe space to have these conversations and keep the lines of communication open. No matter their age, it will help your child to know you care about them and will do your best to keep them safe.
As we have safe and caring conversations where children know we are really listening to them and respecting their point of view, they will come back to you with any other questions or confusion that they have. As long as we do not dismiss them and truly listen to their concerns, these conversations are an opportunity to rebuild or strengthen our relationships. Even when conversations do not go as smoothly as we hoped, we can always, be honest, take a pause and re-do the conversation later.
Children know what they need and as long as they know it’s okay, they will likely keep asking questions until they can feel at peace. You can help them know their questions and needs are a priority by always making yourself available if they have questions or concerns. None of us know what to expect as things unfold, but we can strengthen our connection with our child, by letting them know that we are with them every step of the way.