Conscious Pregnancy; Surrendering to the Mystery

Six years ago on Saturday, my water had broken and I was eagerly awaiting contractions, ready to meet my baby girl.  The way her birth unfolded was a surprise to me and completely out of my control.  Compared to my 40 hour labor with my son, once things got rolling with castor oil she was born 2.5 hours later.   She rocketed into the water of the birth tub, just as she rockets into all the experiences of her life now.

Ripe with baby three, I am so aware of how fleeting this moment is.  Holding him snug inside me, feeling the intimacy of his growth and our dance of togetherness.   There is physical discomfort for me, yes, and yet the wonder of this mysterious life captivates me. I feel his potential, that he is here with purpose, divine intention, and that he is busy preparing.  All his nerves, cells, routing together to ground him again for this human experience.

I walk with profound mystery in me.

I feel I know him, sense his essence, yet there is so much I really do not know.

I am an ‘experienced’ mother having birthed naturally, out of the hospital twice, and yet I cannot dictate what his birth will be like.

I am an ‘experienced’ mother having cared for two precious newborns, and yet I cannot tell you what it will be like with this baby and how we will adjust.

I walk with profound mystery in me.

Being a vessel for new life and preparing to welcome new life earthside is a very grounding and humbling experience for me.  No matter how much of a groove I have gotten into as a mother, embracing the needs of a new soul call me to openness and surrender to whatever unfolds…to renewed reliance on Spirit….and to renewed awakening to the depth and richness of each moment.

No matter how much my mind may want to focus on the hallway that needs painting, the carpet that needs changing, the mundane, my body with its aches and my baby with his tenacious squirms and kicks call me to remember the grandness of what is happening here.

I walk with profound mystery in me.

Soon enough I will be looking back on this pregnancy with fuzzy recollection.  Back on his birth with deep yet vague recall of the highlights, the moments that shaped me once more as a mother. I will see how the moments of his birth, reflected aspects about him, about me, about us, individually, in our roles and as a family.

And yet, as much as I know myself, know our sweet family, and can envision my hopes and desires for this birth and transition, I really have no control over any of it. I focus on letting go of the grasping we feel when we want things to go a certain way.  I believe his birth and our transition will go beautifully, but that my grasping will not help. Instead I must surrender to this ride, allowing the Divine wave of life to carry me with great Love and eternal wisdom.  There is a supreme relief to this surrender.

I walk with profound mystery in me.

And I am immensely grateful.