Healing with love

Back to memoir….

After my mother bravely gave birth to me two months premature, I spent the first month of my life in an incubator.  It is no wonder why for much of my life I have focused on connection, after experiencing such stark separation from the beginning.

I recently mentioned my prematurity to a dear friend with much experience in infant mental health, and she expressed surprise at how well I have come through, citing many examples of how preemies have long lasting psychological and health disadvantages.

I shared that perhaps it had to do with my sister’s caring for me and my mother’s deep love for her babies. Even with all that came after, the grief/anguish she navigated that turned to rage, abuse and psychosis, she was always very loving with her young children. In my bones I feel there was some magic in that love, that after a month of coldness, isolation, poking and prodding, I came home to warmth and care.

(which in some ways can sum up what I try to bring to the world now)

My sister Lucia, eldest and very responsible daughter became my primary caregiver and I believe her loving tending gave me the gift of attachment, of value that became an ember of love I could return to in the midst of subsequent chaos.

It was a light ember. I wouldn’t say I ever felt securely attached and there were many many days when I did not feel lovable or wanted growing up in foster care. But still the love and delight my mom expressed for her children, the bond I felt with her, and my sister actually doing the work of creating stability for me, were essential to not completely being destroyed by foster care.

This is why recently, I melted into tears as I shared with dear friends who have taken in the sweetest ‘foster baby’ how grateful I am that they are doing this.  My deep grief bubbled over. I know what that child’s journey would likely be in foster care AND I know in my bones the potency and magic of some love given at this formative time.

They were surprised at my vulnerability because I am the one that usually holds space for them.

People are often surprised at my softness.

Recently, another amiga shared how my recent platicas opened her eyes to more realities of foster care that she had not understood before.

And I had barely said anything, there is so much to say, and so little time as I try to create something dramatically different for my own children, and support others to do the same.

But for now, for today, I want to say “Love heals”

This is why it is so important to keep coming back to the open heart, to find our ways and moments to be of service.

All is not lost.

Love is still here within us.

And always, love heals.