It’s all about relationship

This past week we took our eldest to university.

All summer and especially this last month, he has been so sweetly intentional about spending time with us. When we were traveling in Mexico, he kept remarking on how he likes our family, what a good family he has.

As I processed that, like many Xicanas, I am between worlds, we all reflected on how, lacking intact community of our ancestors, we are all very grateful that we have each other as a nesting place.  Together we have created the threads of relationship of a village, with trust in each other.

He has been my child that as we say, I would have alot of ‘choques’ or clashes with, partly because we feel so different and also because we are the same. He is ambitious, knows himself, wants to push past limits.

I joke with him that he really helped me to know how to support parents through their youth’s teen years.

We had many messy moments.

I was less than the parent I wanted to be many times.

My heart closed and I was reactive and judgmental.

In short, we were human together.  In relationship together.

But what was always clear, was that we loved each other and that we would always do the work of relationship. Knowing conflict is normal and seeing it as an opportunity for learning when we can be curious with each other. Remembering and embracing always our humanity.

We created this culture as a family, and it held even when I wasn’t the one holding it.

He was often the more mature one, saying to his fiery mom, “let’s talk it out” which poured water on my agitation. I’d walk away, go for a walk, all the things, to bring myself back into regulation.

I’ll never forget when he was five and I was having a stressful moment and he said, ‘maybe Breathe mama’ gently reminding me of something I had suggested to him earlier in the week.

We kept working on it and it wasn’t easy.

A child that pushes felt particularly hard to me because I would have given anything to have a mother, a consistent loving home. I had a very hard time understanding natural resistance. And how children are when they can be free to be themselves, express their wills, blossom into who they are.

And as he expressed his freedom, I often felt my wound of rejection painfully re-stimulated. I processed much heartbreak, grief and helplessness throughout mothering.

But I kept coming back to our connection.

I learned from my Godmother the value of being told, “I love and adore you.” She said this to me, and I would say it to him because I knew how potent that unconditional love was. There was so much chafing between us because of our diverse paths, that I wanted him to know our differences don’t matter. He is precious to me. We have each other and together, we also learn to hold ourselves.

(It helped that I had read the poem by the Prophet at his baby blessing, so I felt some accountability!)

The last few weeks he intentionally made room for family time every day, squeezing in board games and raucous play with his siblings. Every day a mini party.

And we spent quality time together. Through many hugs and conversations, we shared how much we love and treasure each other. It was so precious. I keep saying it was “mama gold”

It became clear that we have a strong bond of love.

Because our life together was not conflict free, but instead we faced challenges and came back together over and over, we know the strength, tenacity and steadfastness of this bond.

All these years of ‘making it up’ as a mama, creating a loving and nurturing (and imperfect) home so intentionally, I wondered if it would matter.

We live in the US after all, there is a force greater than us impacting every facet of our children’s lives.

But in this gentle, mature young man, full of love and gratitude, I saw that it does matter.

It does make a difference.

And there is no formula. We can try various parenting strategies. Some will work, some won’t.

But cultivating relationship, making time for connection, asking Guidance, ‘what is loving for both of us? all of us?’ and doing the work did create so much of what I hoped.

(And I’m sure alot of this really does just have to do with the sweetness of his heart)

I really wish I could articulate the sweetness of this time but words fail. I am just writing to try to memorialize it a bit, and share the hope I so needed along the way.

When we said goodbye, I felt so happy to see him spread his wings.

See him engaging in all of life the way that feels right for him.

It all made sense.

I’m so grateful for this journey.

xoxo

**Beautiful capture of our family building our temazcal by the amazing Carrie Browne**