Healing the Hurts of Our Past

Because we are in Maui, three hours behind on the mainland, we indulged my daughter’s request to ‘stay up until the time I was born!” Nine years ago, at 12:15am, our little Maya burst her into watery tub and my arms taking my breath away with her dark hair, ancient features and powerful essence.  This night, nine years later, I held her in my arms sitting on the couch, recounting my delight in her, the gift of holding her for the first time and what a blessing knowing her has been since.

The next morning, as I lay in my bed, honoring Maya’s first birthday request that we all sleep in like her (I’m telling you, she’s awesome :)…I felt a familiar numbness on my left side.  Experience has shown me to follow this sensation and feel what is underneath it.  I breathed into it, moving into curiosity, asking my soul what this feeling was reconnecting me to.

It hit me.  The little girl within me was aware of how starkly different my ninth birthday was from Maya’s.  By the time I turned nine, the idea of someone cuddling me, treasuring me, was miles away. I only hoped my birthday would be remembered at all. By then, I had already bounced between caregivers at least ten times since my mother’s mental breakdown and my placement in foster care. (This is unfortunately very common even when there are very well intentioned caregivers involved.)

And back then, I was just busy surviving, trying to be a good girl, to please my caregivers in hopes that they would keep me. I didn’t have time to grieve or acknowledge the helplessness I felt.

But now, literally lying in paradise (Maui) steeped in the love and safety of my beautiful family, I did. I whispered to my two year old son laying next to me, “mama is just going to let some tears out”..and let the waves of grief pour forth.  Shaking it all out like a tall glass that needed emptying.

As I felt the peace that comes after releasing grief, I was also aware of my soul’s longing for me to treasure her the way I do Maya. My guidance told me to put my arms around myself and put my hand on my cheek, the way I often do with Maya.  My cool hand on my own cheek, felt deeply nurturing.  As I cradled myself, I reflected to that sweet girl who did her best to survive what a precious gift she is, and how deeply blessed I am to know her.

I committed to continue this healing by celebrating my internal nine year old girl, as we celebrated Maya that day.

We spent most of the day at the gorgeous Lavender farm atop Maui… a wide view of the island and glistening aquamarine water, while surrounded by a wide expanse of soothing lavender, hydrangea, protea, succulents, all steeped in a floating mist.  It felt pretty close to heaven.

Fortunately my nine year old daughter’s idea of the best way to celebrate herself, is very close to my own.

Throughout the day, at the farm, and as we visited vegan restaurants, took a vegetarian cooking class and of course, ate gelato, I would put my hand on my cheek, reconnecting, honoring and breathing love in.

And as is always true, the deep joy my soul felt in my self-presence allowed me to celebrate and treasure Maya even more deeply, looking into her eyes, heart wide open with love and gratitude for this precious soul who has chosen to share life with us.

I held her soft hand and silently thanked her for the healing she invites in me, just by being her…and let the grace of conscious mothering as healing journey wash over me.

So often as I work with parents, I hear them talk about how much they want to give their children the love they longed for as children.  No matter what the childhood experience was, everyone seems to want to improve upon their own experience. Doing so, does help heal our wounds somewhat, but deep, long lasting healing comes when we heal those old wounds by connecting within with love and compassion. This is why I am so grateful for Inner Bonding’s path to self healing and love sharing it!

My hope is that you will also remember that each day is a new beginning and an opportunity to heal the hurts of your past by being present with your beautiful soul :)

xoxoxo

Sylvia