The other day my good friend was surprised when I told her that sometimes I get, “I want to die” low. And her surprise, surprised me. I thought well, yes, I have experienced deep pain and learned to move through it, which is why I want to and can help others.
I can’t imagine being a counselor and not knowing the depths of despair that we as humans in this disconnected society can reach. And yet because I feel so much more grounded now, I understood her surprise.
As a young adult, I had intense suicidal ideations but stayed alive because through my Catholic faith, I believed that to commit suicide would send me to hell. This kept me in check, but I did try many passive approaches that would look like an accident, generally being reckless with myself as I felt deeply worthless and defective growing up a modern day orphan (foster child).
Thankfully, I was introduced to learning to love myself by connecting to my inner child, remembering my innate innocence, sweet intention, and pure essence. It took awhile and I needed to have love modeled for me by my mentors and friends before I could do the same for myself. But soon a shift happened in me, where I learned to see thoughts of suicide as my wounded self/trauma brain wanting to kill my little girl (inner child). The more I learned to truly love and care for my sweet soul, the more unacceptable that thought became. And as I have deepened my self love and self attachment over the years, now there is a well of inner connection and safety that I return to more easily. This is a pattern I have now witnessed my clients moving through reliably over the years, however it does take work and willingness to be diligent in our healing.
Another crucial piece in helping me not fall so deep into suicidal depression was addressing sugar in my diet. I tell all of my clients that are struggling with depression, to explore their relationships to sugar, refined foods, drugs and alcohol and recommend a book called “Potatoes not Prozac” by DesMaisons. In grad school, after a five minute consult with a psychiatrist, he prescribed me antidepressants. That was fishy to me and I already had the many tools, so I followed the advice in the book and used a couple natural supplements and my deep lows shifted. (Not medical advice, just my personal experience. There is a time and place for medication, which is up to each individual and their medical practitioner.) Thankfully, Margaret does an excellent job in her new book “Diet for Divine Connection” going into much more detail about how physical health impacts our emotional/spiritual health.
Since then, almost every time that I have experienced a deep low there is usually some sugar or hormone related connection. For instance, I recently learned that I can’t eat white rice as it reacts in my body just like sugar with the same lows that occur for me afterward. There are also my sensitive hormonal days related to menstruation, where as a sensitive person already, all of my emotions are heightened. I can say volumes on this; why it is a sacred time and we are meant to heed the ways we can tune into ourselves more easily, but the bottom line, is we are extra vulnerable on those days. By tuning into myself and my guidance, I have learned to take extra good care of myself at those times and to be extra gentle. For this reason, I encourage all of the women I work with to track their cycles as part of their self care.
And yet it can still be messy. I had a night of deep grief a couple weeks ago where because of something one of my children said, I was triggered into the old, dark pain of feeling unlovable, worthless, rejected, as I did growing up. I let myself cry and cry, grieved the sad reality and possibility that I may be rejected. And yet I knew, that I would be here for my little girl no matter what. That with IB I have learned to feel and manage deep pain. And with TRE and other ancestral/earth based centering and grounding practices I can release physiological and generational trauma and step into each moment anew.
I have learned to be the one I can trust for unconditional love and presence, no matter what others do. Now there is a solidity in me that knows that no matter how hard things get, I have practiced for many years what it looks like to get help when needed, and to help myself by tuning in and taking loving action. This is exactly what I seek to support within all those who request my help.
I also know personally and professionally, what the aftermath of suicide looks like and how it brings so much pain to all who are left behind. No one wins. So even in a dark and despairing moment, the pain I know I would cause to those I love grounds me.
And I always stress reaching out. There are so many factors that influence depression and hopelessness including not simply one’s emotions but also their external circumstances; poverty, stress, genetics, lack of family support, unemployment, single parenting and so on. Therefore the solution must also address the meeting of basic needs and advocacy within the systems that affect us, and often, we need to get help from our community, friends, local resources to do so. We never have to do any of it alone. That is a lie fed to us by a conquest/domination oriented culture. We thrive in and deserve the help of our community.
Anyone who wants to end their life is in deep pain and deserves immense compassion and support. In addition to bringing more compassion and connection to each other, if we can learn to be this for ourselves, we will learn to manage the inevitable pain of life and trauma triggers, rather than be ruled by them. I pray that more will learn these self reclamation, ancestral and intuitive healing processes to access the love, connection and balance that is our birthright.