Lately, I’ve supported many who are concerned about conflict in their relationships, whether it be with
partner, parents, children or friends. I often hear the concern that if there is conflict there is something wrong with the relationship.
When I was married by Margaret, my InnerBonding mentor, she shared how relationships are our ‘safe and sacred space for growth, and learning about what is loving.” I went on to say the same thing when I performed ceremonies, and I still say this all the time when supporting community.
We are organisms within an ecosystem, and all of life pulses. There is an in breath and out breath. Our heart, giver of life, expands and contracts, 100, 000 times a day.
Steeped in the fantasy of media culture, we believe we should be experiencing the out breath and expansion at all times. But just as it is an innate part of the heart beating, as the contraction facilitates the pumping of our lifeblood, contraction/conflict in relationship is necessary to help us to deepen into mutual understanding and intimacy.
Sometimes the contraction or conflict can get stuck, stagnant or frozen when it is coming from a trauma response. For instance, while feeling left out can be a normal part of the human life experience that we can normalize and breath into/pulse with. If you were abandoned as a child, this contraction might feel deeper and harder to move. We may need additional supports, as we explore with our Guidance, how to bring love and healing in.
But the contraction is not pathological.
The contraction is part of life.
Part of being a living, breathing organism within an ecosystem.
We are like the flowers, plants, trees, animals, each one unique and needed within this ecosystem. And in all variations of beings, there is expansion and contraction. The pulse of life needed for a seed to burst into seedling, to sprout, to plant leafing, to tall stem, to leaves branching out… all require an expansion generally preceded by contraction of collecting resources. A burst of energy.
So in any given day, we too are likely to experience this expansion and contraction within our relationships. We often experience this as the ‘heart being open/expanded/receptive’ or the ‘heart being closed/contracted/defended’. When we can both be in an open state, we generally connect with compassion, curiosity and deepen understanding. When our heart is closed/contracted we generally have conflict if we try to engage.
With InnerBonding, we always say if the other person is not ‘open’ it is a time to lovingly disengage because the contracted/defended heart just wants to blame and judge to protect itself. And engaging in this way always leads to deeper rupture in relationships.
Instead, it is a moment to go inward, to be curious about what is getting triggered within us, what is contracting our heart?
We are not bad, there is nothing wrong with us or them, there is just this inward call.
And as we go within, with love and compassion, we can build the nourishment needed to burst forth in growth.
When contracted, we can go inward and connect with our Guidance to help us with the deep pain that is getting triggered. We can tend to ourselves and return to the relationship with the inner expansion that allows us to open to the other.
We can surrender the other to their own process, and ‘keep our eyes on our own plate’ by lovingly tending to ourselves. When we release the other of any codependent responsibility, reconnecting to Guidance as our primary ally, we breathe into expansion/openness/ readiness to engage when the other is ready.
This is the heartbeat of relationship.
The pulse of Life.
We expand and contract and it’s okay.
When we look beyond the limiting narratives of colonialism/domination culture or media fantasy, we can remember our ancestral wisdom,
slow down and breathe deep
to make room for the inbreath we are being called to in the moment.
*There are more intense conflicts that are not safe and involve abuse, assault, violations. These need additional support and measures taken for safety. For the purposes of this blog, I am only discussing contraction and expansion that does not endanger anyone.
Beautiful!