Turns out, the memoir has been written

Awhile back I started writing memoir pieces, mostly in response to some suggesting I do, and also because I’m a Gemini who likes to communicate :)

But I often feel fairly conflicted about it

Mostly because I resist this industry of people writing books and creating fandoms with an undertone of commodification. And like the written word in general, there is a slippery slope of distraction and head orientation they can breed. (I articulated some of this when I began writing memoir)

I prefer in person relating and reconnection.

I prefer facilitating and helping people remember themselves, their innate knowing.

I prefer being unplugged! And facilitating reconnection to Mama Tierra/Mother Earth, ancestors, essential self…

And yet,

I shared on FB yesterday that I came across my foster care case file while clearing out my office space.

Turns out, my memoir has been written.

I don’t think I ever got through reading it when I first requested these records when I was about 23. The grief was too intense.

But yesterday, I went through most of it, pages and pages of court proceedings/permanency planning hearings for a permanency that never came to be.

It is a heartbreaking read, and since my house was empty, I gave myself space to pause and cry, and wail, for my vulnerable, innocent little girl, for my mother who got lost in psychosis, and for all those who have known such journeys.

I also learned or remembered some painful things that were documented which put some pieces together.

I’m going to keep unpacking some of it in writing here.

I don’t have a head oriented reason, but rather an impulse that I want to honor.

At this point in life, that is what I try to do. I let go of questioning and honor what wants to pulse through. My little girl has a story to tell, loves telling stories in fact, and after many years of putting this to the side to be mama, I’m going to make space for her.

And rather than say I prefer the other things, I’m going to expand into embracing that it is not ‘this or that’ it can be all. We can be ALL.

And it can be any way we want it to be.

I’m going to continue writing as ‘live memoir’ meaning here in a blog, where I may go back and ‘edit’ or clarify. Editing as journey/flow, as ‘oh yeah,’ not as perfection. The written word is limited and we can play with it.

And ‘live memoir’ in that it is accessible to all. It may become a book some day, but because it is a story of marginalization I want it to be accessible in all the ways, bits and pieces. Having time to read a memoir is actually a luxury for so many. Sometimes bits and pieces are essential.

And as I said before, I hope it can be useful and relevant in real time.

I welcome you to continue to be in this journey with me. What I ask is that you comment, when moved, so that we go toward connection. And that you share pieces, when moved, to honor the intention behind my sharing.

xoxo

Sylvia